lost in the dance

21 Things I Want In A Lover

2007-02-20T21:19:15Z

So I thought it would be fun to just post lyrics to Alanis' song 21 Things I Want In A Lover and see which of the 21 questions I'd also ask. It's mostly because I have this one verse stuck in my head and can't get it out lol

21 Things I Want In A Lover

do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom?
do you see everything as an illusion? but enjoy it even though you are not of it?
are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware? and don't believe in capital punishment?

these are 21 things that I want in a lover
not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
are you funny? à la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed opinions?

these are 21 things that I want in a lover
not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
these are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo
there are no worries and certainly no pressure
in the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow

are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week? up for being experimental?
are you athletic? are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? are you not addicted?

...curious and communicative...

I'm not even sure if that's 21 Things, but it was fun anyway to see if other's wanting to comment :P

clouded_puppet @ 2007-02-14T22:54:00

2007-02-15T03:55:43Z

so i think i'm comming home for spring break. Plan accordingly. And new pic of my hair.

Thank U

2006-10-31T02:42:18Z

As some of you may know, I'm in a Creative Writing workshop and have been working on a short story. I recently completed the first draft and wanted to share it with those who have a few minutes to read. Any feed back would be amazing!

Thank U

youlearnyoucry: and so i think wed be fine!
DKross82674: I don't know Adrian...
youlearnyoucry: oh come ON! how can we sit around scared all the time?
youlearnyoucry: unless its just not important enough to u
DKross82674: Don't say that. You know how I feel about this.
youlearnyoucry: only sometimes u keep things lokecd up unless i bug u
youlearnyoucry: locked*
DKross82674: I have a job to worry about.
youlearnyoucry: right, a job...
DKross82674: Look, we agreed on a day, didn't we? I'm already doing a lot I shouldn't.
youlearnyoucry: yeah...
DKross82674: I promise it'll be worth it, okay?
youlearnyoucry: ok ok but it doesnt mean i have to be happy about it
youlearnyoucry: though...
youlearnyoucry: do u think about us u no, doin it?
DKross82674: Adrian...
youlearnyoucry: lol do u?
DKross82674: What are you trying to do to me here? Haha
youlearnyoucry: LOL thats a yes!
DKross82674: Okay, so what if I do?
youlearnyoucry: ever thought about havin me on your desk? that would be hott
DKross82674: Oh god...
youlearnyoucry: doin all those things u fantasize about w/me
DKross82674: I think I need to go before this gets too serious, a man can only take so much haha
youlearnyoucry: awww and leave me alone?
DKross82674: We'll see each other tomorrow.
youlearnyoucry: Deeeeereeeek! please stay!
DKross82674: It's late Adrian
youlearnyoucry: pretty please?
DKross82674: Just for a little more.
youlearnyoucry: aw i luv u <3
DKross82674: Heh Are you sure?
youlearnyoucry: lol of course! u no, its been a month.
DKross82674: A month?
youlearnyoucry: since we started dating!
DKross82674: Oh, right, it's been a month already?
youlearnyoucry: u forgot?
youlearnyoucry: so much for being important
DKross82674: Adrian, I love you.
youlearnyoucry: ...
youlearnyoucry: u think thats goin to work?
DKross82674: I was hoping so?
youlearnyoucry: ok it did teehee <3
DKross82674: Heh I have to sleep now, we'll talk tomorrow, alright?
youlearnyoucry: o alright... dream of me, ok? <3
DKross82674: Haha Sure thing, good night Adrian.
youlearnyoucry: night night see u in class tomorrow! <3

7:26 a.m. It still bothers me that this time exists, let alone people happily embracing it. I could hear chatter in the hallway start to get louder as the building started to get more populated, competing with the gargle from the coffee machine my shadow loomed over. I watched the steam push against the pot, begging me to release it from the mechanical prison and bask in the warmth that contrasted with the rest of the room as I downed the caffeine that would be my lifeline for the rest of my day, or rather, all my days.

“Derek!” I didn’t have time to react before I recieved a few obnoxious slaps on the back, a greeting I wasn’t ready to deal with. Pushing back my black framed glasses I have become so fond of back up to their original position before the assault, I turned to a grinning man who wanted nothing more than to ‘brighten my day.’ “How’s your morning, Mr. Kross? Ready for another day of dealing with these brats?” He held his clip board nonchalantly while assertively holding his hands at his waist, wearing shorts that shouldn’t be legal on a man at that length.

“Not really.” The glorious chime from the machine finished my sentence for me, my hands quickly disarming it and liberating the pot from its heated grasp. I grabbed a cheap styrofoam cup and filled it with the dark brew that would help me get through the next seven hours. I gave the clock another glance as I replaced the pot back and risked a sip out of my cup, knowing it’d be too hot like every other day, turning away from the P.E. teacher, or coach, or whatever he wanted to call himself. There were a few others in my situation, looking to pass out on their bagels and fast food breakfast fixes before they could make it to their classrooms. It was such a miserable sight, how people lived with themselves knowing they’d be doing this for the rest of their lives was way past my comprehension. As soon as I can, I’m out of here. I don’t belong in a place like this.

“You know, I never asked…” It was too good to be true that once my coffee would be done that all my worries were over. Had it been any later, I would have at least looked at him out of politeness, though I don’t think he ever noticed my distaste for idle chit-chat. “Is there a Mrs. Kross? You never talk about that sort of thing.” I felt his eyes intrusively trying to spot a reaction, trying to pry some answer out of me for more conversation or sucker me to another inane teacher-only after school event. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction, too busy with my drink and watching one of the older English teachers fall asleep in the midst of eating her McGriddle, still wrapped in her sweater to guard her from the November cold that came on strong this morning.

“No.” I heard the standoffishness in my own voice as I hoped he would stop asking questions. He gave me a puzzled look, ready to ask the why’s and how come’s. The bell rang before he could interrogate me any further, waking up the poor lady from her slumber into embarrassment, finishing up her food quickly as if there was nothing else that could make her morning worse. “I believe that’s our call.” I started towards the door before he could run anything past me, unfinished coffee still in hand as I reached for the door leading to the now crowded hallway.

“We’ll have to talk about that sometime later! Guys night out or something, you know?” He called out before I could leave. I gave him a nod as I disappeared from his sight, taking another swing of coffee. Teenagers zoomed past me as they hurried to class, trying to shrink in size whenever they passed an adult who looked like they could get them in trouble. I thought about the possibility of a ‘guy’s night out,’ imagining myself with a bunch of out of shape middle-aged men at some smelly sports bar with scantily clad waitresses serving them beer and buffalo wings. I almost winced at the image while trekking down the hall amongst high-schoolers, barely any of them dreaming of matching my height as I waded past them to my classroom. I contemplated how I could make this day go by any faster as my coffee started to disappear, unsure if I could actually make it through the day. Last night startled to trickle into thought, remembering the conversation I had with the only person who could bring me warmth more enjoyable than anything a barista could offer me. A cough rose from my lungs in reminder to not think to deeply on the matter, at least, within the confines of my job.

Reaching the familiar door that held my prison behind it, I downed the rest of my beverage before opening the door and entering, feeling the eyes of multiple demons synchronizing their vision upon me. I offered only another nod, tossing the cup into the trash by the door before crossing the room to my desk, which I had tucked in a corner to be as far away from the rows of desks as possible. It looked rather spartan, having only a calendar the school passed out to all the teachers and a place to rest my laptop. My fingers rummaged through my pockets, fishing out a key that quickly disabled the lock on my file cabinet, which contained the cheap laptop supplied to us. Closing the cabinet drawer, I went through the annoying process of setting it up, not minding the second bell that rang for the day as my brain started to kick in and start to understand the messages the screen was flashing at me. Some students started talking by now, with about as much enthusiasm for the day as I was thinking, while others were already armed with their notebooks and pens with some sick want for the French Revolution so early in the morning.

It wasn’t until I scanned the class for attendance that I realized this day was going to be a lot more grueling than I was anticipating. Rising from my seat, I felt the attention of the class refocus upon me, waiting for any instruction on what to do with themselves. “Good Morning.” I didn’t even try to make that sound sincere as I headed to the board at the front of the room, picking up one various worn dry-erase markers waiting to be used for another lesson in Advanced Placement World History. I gave another look to the class as if to say “let’s get this over with” before starting my lecture.

“By 1789, the cogs were in place to start the revolution in Paris, which would eventually overthrow the absolute monarchy in France. The two notable events we shall look at today are the Tennis Court Oath and the storming of Bastille. In July of that year…” I started to tune out my own voice as I started to write a basic version of what I was saying without much of a warning, hearing the rustling of paper and scratching pens. I remember when all of this used to be interesting, seeing how the actions of the past shaped us today. But now it’s just cannon fodder, something to make parents feel like their kids are learning something most didn’t until college, which is a shame. Though my students knew it took me a bit to start up and dive into the more interesting bits of history, they still treated it all the same, striving for a letter grade rather than the actual knowledge.

The sound of the door opening and closing rather haphazardly broke me back out of my thoughts, careening my attention to the subject that leaned against the entryway, out of breath. “I’m sorry, I tried to get here as fast as I could…” The blonde offered me a sheepish smile, secretly knowing he was exempt from any sort of disapproval on my part. I felt that cough rise up again before I could think anymore on it and turned back to the board.

“It’s fine Adrian, take a seat.” I managed to get out before completing my thoughts on the board, hearing the class resume their writing as well. I couldn’t help but be slightly distracted now, having that strange feeling in my chest as I continued lecturing. I dared a look to the class, seeing Adrian digging through his bag for various materials to catch up with the rest of the class. As I tried to keep my speech on King Louis XVI coherent, I couldn’t help but be sidetracked when he played with the end of his pen in his mouth as he searched through his notebook. Oral fixation my ass, if there was a real demon in this room, it was disguised as an angel. I turned back to the board to write ‘guillotine’ before anyone could interrupt me on its spelling as I remembered a college friend’s advice against blondes, flashing a quick grin to myself before facing the class in teacher mode.

The rest of the class felt like a cross between tug-of-war and charades, losing my professional thoughts to blonde hair and blue eyes and barely keeping it covert from the host of teenagers judging me with every word and facial expression I allowed them to see. I found myself keeping the clock within my periphery and rolling up the sleeves to my button-down shirt as I finished up the lecture. The class looked either bombarded with facts or unconscious, which reminded whatever part of my brain in need of caffeine to cry for more coffee. “And that’s it for today.” I heard myself sound slightly out of breath and tried to give the best look of indifference I could muster. “Any questions?” Big mistake. I wanted to eat my words when Adrian raised his hand, the other propped up on his desk with his head resting on it, looking at me like a lion would to an antelope, a smile playing at his lips that was only meant to torture my vision. “Yes, Adrian?” Some of the class shot glares at him for prolonging the dead horse that was the beginnings of the French Revolution, and I myself almost wanted to shake my head in protest.

“I’m sorry, I think I mixed something up…” I took in a breath as he looked back down to his notes, biting down on his pen again before looking back up to continue in his tempting tenor voice. “How long after the Tennis Court Oath was Bastille stormed? A month?” He batted his eyes in faux innocence, digging his claws in and raking me in for the kill, amazing me with how a boy who barely met the half foot mark in the five feet range could intimidate a man almost a foot taller. The bell rang suddenly, the class didn’t even wait for me to answer Adrian’s question before starting to pack and leave their seats. I quickly retreated to my desk, needing to recuperate for my next class, leaning over to my laptop that apparently put itself in sleep mode along with the rest of the class during my lecture. “Mr. Kross?”

I peered over my glasses towards the origin of the voice, seeing Adrian walk over as the rest of the class escaped the cold confines of my room. He still wore a bit of that smirk, though it was turning into a smile as he approached my desk. I cast a suspicious look in his direction as his aquamarine eyes lit up when my attention focused on him. “Adrian. What can I do for you?”

I could tell he was entertaining something incriminating behind those eyes, clutching his notebook close to his chest as he dared to prolong the conversation. “I really enjoyed your lecture today.” He leaned on the desk with his hip, angling his shoulders towards me as he spoke. My eyes checked the door as my heart rate threatened to increase with the thought of someone intruding upon this scene. “But I could definitely use some help studying for the quiz on Thursday… I was hoping maybe I could meet you before then for some extra help? Maybe after school?” Adrian slowly slid himself onto my desk, watching my eyes widen in reaction to this behavior out in public.

“Adrian, I don’t think-”

Taking advantage of my position, the young blonde leaned in and grabbed the back of my head, connecting our lips together before I could pull away, or react in any sort of manner. I watched his eyes close as his mouth moved against mine, golden strands of hair pushing against my glasses along with a warm scent of vanilla brushing against my scenes. Just as I broke from the shock of the advance, his lips departed mine with a teasing tug at my bottom lip, his breath light against my skin. I thought eyes only fluttered open in cheesy romance novels, but Adrian’s blue eyes opened beneath angel’s wings before ending our moment in one sing-song line.

“And what it all comes down to… is that everything is gonna to be quite alright.”

DKross82674: So, that was just a little uncalled for.
youlearnyoucry: teehee i no u liked it, u were speechless when I left
DKross82674: It was because I didn't think you'd be so reckless. We could have been caught.
youlearnyoucry: but we didnt n thats all that matters
DKross82674: Adrian... You have no idea what you do to me.
youlearnyoucry: little ol me?
DKross82674: Yes, you. It's a trial to have you so early in the morning before I have my defenses up.
youlearnyoucry: lol could u handle me now?
DKross82674: Of course I could.
youlearnyoucry: then let me come over
DKross82674: You know that we shouldn't. It could lead to things we might regret.
youlearnyoucry: but u said u can handle me!
DKross82674: You can be very tempting Adrian. I don't want to chance it. I promised that when you turned 18 we could be alone together.
youlearnyoucry: but june is soooo far away. i want u now
DKross82674: It's for the better. We're already crossing lines, you're my student.
youlearnyoucry: im ur boyfriend
DKross82674: Adrian, don't make this harder than it already is.
youlearnyoucry: i dun understand y we cant just study together. its not like u have anyone else around
DKross82674: Still, it's against the law.
youlearnyoucry: then u dont love me
DKross82674: Adrian, don't say that. I do love you. I love you enough to wait until we can be a legal relationship.
DKross82674: Adrian?
DKross82674: Don't be mad.
youlearnyoucry: im comming over
DKross82674: Adrian, you can visit me in my room after school tomorrow, okay?
youlearnyoucry: no im comming now
DKross82674: How? You've only seen my place once.
youlearnyoucry: ill find my way somehow, ill walk it out
DKross82674: You know it's quite the walk from your house, right?
youlearnyoucry: i dont care
DKross82674: Adrian, stop it.
youlearnyoucry is not available

I didn’t think something, or someone, could make me so frantic in my entire life, with all these questions and doubts plaguing my mind whenever they decided to remind me how they’ve handcuffed themselves to my being. My eyes darted across the road and sidewalks from behind my Civics’ windshield, noting the frost collecting in the most inconvenient areas as I looked for a tuft of blonde hair trudging rebelliously through the cold weather. The voice in the back of my head kept screaming all the warnings that usually held me back, what if we were seen together, what would happen to me, my job, my reputation? But the image of Adrian succumbing to the cold as the day started to fade away trumped any thought of going to prison. My foot was jittery on the gas pedal, reminding myself that going fifty in a twenty MPH zone would draw more attention than any interaction with Adrian. I unconsciously reached to turn on the heat, but knowing the history of this car, it was more of a dice roll than anything, which seemed to be everything when you were in the teaching profession. It was nearer to his house that I saw him walking with determination, seeming to have just left his house without much thought, wearing what he came to school in. I brought the car to a stop as the window wound down, letting in a blast of cool air from the outside.

“Adrian, get in.” I called out to him, not bothering to hide the concern in my voice. He turned his attention to me, his eyes glowing in resolve.

“I’m not going home, don’t bother.” He kept walking without another word, passing my car to the direction I had some from. I fumbled to put the car in reverse, trying to keep him in the frame of the window. He tried to keep his shuddering hidden from view, his jaw moving from within his mouth in reaction to the cold weather.

“Adrian…” I huffed in defeat, putting the car in park. “Get in, I’ll take you back to my place.” Adrian’s defiant demeanor quickly changed to elation, grabbing at the door handle after I unlocked it and started winding up the window. I watched him as he buckled himself in tentatively and rubbed his arms to conjure heat before looking to me with that smile. I could only smirk back as I took the car out of park and headed back to where I lived. The car ride was both tense and simple, more so Adrian basking in his victory while I did back flips in my mind over having a minor in my house. An attractive one at that. “Did you at least bring your history book?” I knew his attentions were far from reviewing French history, but my conscious needed some reason to calm down.

“Of course, what do you take me for?” He asked, turing his attention away from outside the window to me, smiling in the corner of my vision as if I couldn’t hear it in his voice already. I kept my eyes on the road to avoid giving in anymore, knowing the boy could cause an accident if given the chance.

We rolled up to the parking lot of my apartment complex after a few minutes of driving and quickly hurried for refuge of the building, climbing up the stairs littered with various cigarettes to the second floor. “Look, you got me so worried, I forgot to lock my door.” I pulled open the door to room two-eighteen, quickly ushering Adrian in before I escaped the biting cold for the comfort of my apartment. My first impulse was to close the blinds, feeling like some child molester about to advance on my unsuspecting prey.

“Hmm, so this is what it looks like on the inside.” Adrian commented as he poked around the bookshelf in the living room, taking only momentary interest in the various paleontology books that met him eyelevel on the shelf. “Not much of a decorator, are you?” I heard him ask as I trekked to the kitchen and grabbed two glasses.

“I don’t need much, don’t get a lot of company. Want something to drink?” I asked back as I grabbed the carton of water from my fridge, my throat still feeling a bit raw from the amount of lectures I did today. His polite decline came from further in the interior of my apartment, continuing to explore the contents of my home. I left the empty glass for him on the counter as I returned the water to the fridge after I poured my own, taking gulps as I entered my living room. I spotted his discarded bag on my couch as he exited my bedroom with his arms crossed over his chest, having inspected my minimalist of a living space. “So?” I felt my eyebrow rise in question as I stood behind the couch when he started to approach me.

“I don’t know how you do it.” He shook his head as he casually flopped down on the couch, reaching for his bag and looking through it. There was this awkward silence as he did so, my brain trying to find something to say and make this process painless. “Derek?” He looked to me expectantly, his eyes pulling me in before I could tear away to stand my ground. I walked around the couch and sat next to him, placing my glass on the coffee table. I heard his bag drop to the ground before I caught him advancing to me, surprising me as he did earlier with an intense kiss. There was something sweeter about his actions, though direct, it was as if we were barely touching but sharing the passion at the same time. I felt myself give in as he tugged at the collar of my shirt, effectively pulling my larger frame on top of his, barely giving myself the chance to brace myself against the arm of the couch.

“Adrian-” I barely could annunciate his name as his light kisses seduced me into something more than physical pleasure, trying to ignore the motions his hands made with my shirt as I tried to concentrate on talking. “We can’t go too- far- Adrian, listen.” I drew back to align his eyes with mine, lightly brushing his hair out of his vision, lowering my voice to a whisper. “I don’t want you to do anything you will regret.”

“I’m almost an adult, and I haven’t done anything yet.” His words washed over me as temptation, but the seriousness of his words added an invisible weight to my body, wanting to hold him close from losing that cheerfulness he held onto. “I’ve thought about it every day since we realized what was between us. Can I trust him? Will he take care of me?” I noticed my reaction to say ‘of course I will’ in the middle of his thoughts, my own feelings betraying what I should actually do. “I’m not really sure what to do, but…” He looked over off the couch and to his bag. “I’ve had this… fantasy. For when we first… you know.” I leaned off of him as he reached towards it and grabbed a paperback book, flipping through the pages. “Don’t make fun of me.” I watched as color crept into his features as a blush before he handed the book to me, opened in the midst of the story. “Read it.” The confusion I felt tugged at my eyebrows as I looked through my glasses and to the small print of the book. Ideas inched to the forefront of my mind as I glanced at what was written on the pages.

“He lightly laid me on the bed, his smooth caresses and passionate kisses on my neck quickly obscuring any thought other than feeling his body against mine.” As I read the words, I felt his hand gingerly push me in the direction of the other end of the couch, intertwining his legs with mine as he placed his smaller body on top of me, light touches on my neck following the rhythm of my reading of the romance novel he gave me. “I didn’t resist him this time as his stripped me of the security of my shirt-” I heard the clumsy snaps of my button-down being undone, and stole a glance at the boy who so quickly put me into submission. He caught my gaze with a nervous look, lacking the usually coy attitude he used to rile me into his grasp. Looking back at the novel, I continued to read. “tossing it aside and out of reach for the night.” I felt Adrian tug at the arms of my shirt, and I complied with him taking it off as I kept reading. “All I could feel were his hands dancing across my skin, warm against the cold air that enveloped my body- Hey!” I stopped reading as I felt one of his hands flirting with my belt buckle, but couldn’t help but smirk at the odd mix of innocent deviousness he was able to pull off. “We’re not at that part yet.” Light lips claimed mine yet again after Adrian knocked the book out of my hands and redirected them onto his small build, forcing me to crumble to the desires I held secret ever since I first saw him.

“They died in the end anyway.”

youlearnyoucry: i had a fun time yesterday
DKross82674: As did I.
youlearnyoucry: i guess that means were together forever now?
DKross82674: Heh if you want it to be. Having regrets?
youlearnyoucry: not at all! i want to do it again
DKross82674: Woah there, let's take our time with this haha
youlearnyoucry: Derek?
DKross82674: Yes?
youlearnyoucry: Will we get to hold hands when im 18?
DKross82674: Maybe, if you're good.
youlearnyoucry: no teasing!
DKross82674: Haha Alright, we can. We can do anything you want.
youlearnyoucry: thank u
DKross82674: For what?
youlearnyoucry: picking me up in the cold
youlearnyoucry: and holding onto me like the world was going to end
DKross82674: You've been reading too many romance novels heh
youlearnyoucry: i feel like im in one now
youlearnyoucry: but were not going to die or anything
youlearnyoucry: do you regret what we did?
DKross82674: I regret ignoring this part of me for so long.
youlearnyoucry: its ok
youlearnyoucry: do u think well get a happily ever after?
DKross82674: Of course, if you get an A on tomorrow's quiz.
youlearnyoucry: ...
youlearnyoucry: can i come over?

On the Road Again

2006-10-27T03:05:15Z

I'm going down to Orlando to meet up with some friends, I'm leaving here Friday afternoon and should be back Saturday evening or night. So the only way to contact me will be by phone, I won't be taking along my laptop. For those of you who need my number, just IM before I leave.

clouded_puppet @ 2006-09-15T18:56:00

2006-09-15T22:59:00Z

clouded_puppet @ 2006-08-25T03:23:00

2006-08-25T07:24:13Z

i was going to start a new way of posting tonight but guests came over and i drank so that'll have to wait llolol

Random Musings

2006-08-12T05:22:05Z

I've started to dislike LJ more and more lately, mostly because of the premise of it all. It seems to me to be the biggest excuse for attenion whoring and drama. Though, I guess I understand the need for drama and attention whoring once in a while, and it is useful for informing people of things, but it's not really a great JOURNAL. For private stuff. I know there's an option to keep things private, but why are there comments ans screenings and adding of friends... I've had an aching to just write something private just to get it out, but I find randomly scibbling my thoughts on a restaurant napkin more fulfiling and less nerve wracking than posting something on LJ. I started this post, as well as lots of other posts, with the intent of this being a journal like entry. But then, those thoughts come to mind... am I in need of attention? Do I want to start drama? It makes me reconsider ever posting anything of meaning besides random life updates, like not being able to use my cell phone or going away for a while, or some random stuff, because what will everyone knowing what I'm feeling that I wouldn't normally say in person do? In the end, whether it's writing or typing, that journaling anything for the sake of writing my thoughts down doesn't serve much of a purpose. I used to carry a journal and write in it everyday, but after a while, it's was just, like, what is there to say? Or, what's the meaning of just writing my thoughts into a book that no one but myself will ever see? It was like having an imaginary friend to share secrets with, it was childish, and never spoke back.

Not like it's a big surprise to those who know I almost never update, but I don't think I can ever really update a lot in LJ. I do drop in and see if anyone else posts anything of interest, but that's as much as LJ can do for me. I'm going to try to find some other way to release what I feel inside and actually make something of it.

This was completely pointless, wasn't it lol

clouded_puppet @ 2006-07-27T23:51:00

2006-07-28T03:55:30Z

There are times I just want to get everything off of my chest. But at the same time, I don't want to burden other people for their sympathy. I would scream out everything if I didn't sound like a scorned child. There are things nobody has an answer for, so I'm accepting it.

My New Tattoo

2006-07-22T05:59:14Z

Yay to Me

2006-05-29T19:22:29Z

'tis the day of my birth :D

I'm going to be 20 in a year... I'll be old! >cry

Interesting...

2006-05-20T03:47:41Z

Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question even if they don't make sense. You'll be surprised though.

How am I feeling today?
The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony (Moby Techno Remix)
{Kinda true}

Will I get far in life?
Koda Kumi - 1000 Words

How do my friends see me?
Final Fantasy VIII - Don't Be Afraid (Orchestrated)
{hmm...}

Where will I get married?
Cowboy Bebop: The Movie - Ask DNA

What is my best friend's theme song?
Tiesto - Just Be (Antillas Club Mix)

What is the story of my life?
Shakira - Estoy Aqui (I am Here)
{Is that good or bad...?}

What was high school like?
Kingdom Hearts - Fragments of Sorrow
{Oh my...}

How can I get ahead in life?
Star Ocean: Til the End of Time - So Alone, Be Sorrow - Piano Ver. (Arranged)
{Now THAT'S depressing >cry<}

What is the best thing about me?
RENT - I'll Cover You (Reprise)
{Aww <3}

What was today like?
L'Arc~en~Ciel - STAY AWAY
{Why am I getting all these lonely answers? >cry<}

What is in store for this weekend?
Madonna - Future Lovers
{For me I hope!}

What song describes my parents?
Fiona Apple - Criminal
{There's something I don'y know about them...}

How is my life going?
Ayumi Hamasaki - independent
{True, both in good and bad ways...}

What song will they play at my funeral?
The Bloodhound Gang - Bad Touch
{XD OMG!}

How does the world see me?
Gwen Stefani - Bubble Pop Electric
{Cute!}

Will I have a happy life?
Hikaru Utada - Tippy Toe

What do my friends really think of me?
Weiß Kreuz - Oh Mercy
{XD That doesn't surprise me!}

Do people secretly lust after me?
Two-Mix - Rhythm Emotion

How can I make myself happy?
Nelly Furtado - Turn Off the Lights
{XD So should have seen this comming}

What should I do with my life?
Final Fantasy Tactics - Battle on the Bridge
(o_O?)

What will my children be like?
Bjork - Venus as a Boy
{OH MY GOD XD Noooo I pass on the gay gene!}

What will I name them?
Enya - Lazy Days

What will the person I marry be like?
System of the Down - Violent Pornography
{Uh...}

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
AFI - The Great Disappointment
{~cries~}

Will I have a fulfilling life?
Alanis Morissette - So-Called Chaos
{Oh joy}

How will I die?
The Killers - Mr. Brightside
{Who IS Mr. Brightside?}

A Nightmare or Real Life?

2006-05-11T03:03:21Z

Besides the fact that my laptop is now in they happy land of Dell, I have been barely able to communicate to anyone reliant on the internet, or at all, because of work and all the shiz going on right now. I'm already so tiured of home, my dad is constantly hassling me, Coral Springs is still lame in nightlife activities, and now I'm in a job that is more taxing than anything and I won't leave home with any of it because I have to spend every penny getting a reliable car. I barely have any energy to do anything after work, I just pass out on my bed, and that makes me feel really uncomfortable. Everyone I know here are either away for vacation, working, in school, or I'd rather avoid. Meaning every weekday is basically going to be work and sleep, and maybe eat if I have time/energy (no joke). I was so ready to break out into tears after my first full day from all the stress, physical and mental, and then to have my family be like "Oh well, deal with it." I just want to say fuck you right back. Ugh.

PS Happy belated B-Day Tyty, hope you got smashed on your 21st =D Send me some booze, I need it <3

Say It Isn't So!

2006-05-04T22:35:11Z

Unfortunately, my laptop is about to be mailed off back to Dell for some fixin', so I won't be online for a bit. I'm going to hold onto it until the weekend, since I'm starting work on Monday and it's just over all easier to contact me online, so please male sure that you all give me your numbers if you haven't already before I ruined my phone, or else I won't be able to call :( My mobile should still be available, but that's always weird to talk by. I think there's AIM on my phone, but I tried it and it's a bit fucked up. Oh well.

Home!

2006-04-29T20:05:34Z

I'm finally home for summer, yay <3 I'm going to be getting a job, and it sounds like more bitch-work than I thought it would be, but it seems like good pay, and my friend from Texas, Nick, might be comming down to join me! If not, the whole family will be visiting later in the summer so I'm sure it'll be fun <3

I finally got a new cell phone, yay <3 But all of my numbers have been erased =( So, everyone has to call me or post/IM me their numbers so I can put it back in my phone, 'kay?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2006-04-17T09:16:30Z

I'm trying to figure what to do with this odd limbo I'm in. I'm at a point where I need to break loose of whatever subconcious chains of bondage I'm holding myself back with, and just have a passion for life. I think it's only recently I've noticed that my whole life has been a bunch of impromtu actions and reactions, and why the feeling of being lost at sea is so prominent now.

I really want to become whole. Ever since I've have the ability to think about becoming self-actualized, I've been striving for that attainment of individuality, wholeness of self. I want to understand and develop every crevice of my personality, just confront myself head on and deal with it. I'd like to tackle my insecurities, have reasonable weaknesses that I can always work on, yet not hinder my progess in life. But I feel like I don't know what my problem is. There is rarely a time some one really came to me and told me what's so fucked up about me. Or I'm just so wrapped up in myself to really take it the right way. Sure, I know I can be a bitch, or emotional, or loud. But how generic is that? Am I THAT one dimensional? Are my actions and words seem so contrived that I'm just a story-book character in everyones' lives?

I've noticed a lot of hypocricy as of late. I am not always being 100% true to myself. There are times where what I want conflicts with reality or rationality. There are times where being myself completely is conflicting with getting what I want.

I have recently experienced that people don't want all of you. Or, at least me. I'm someone who can hand my entire self over rather quickly, it's not hard for me to just be myself. I like to communicate my thoughts, my emotions up front and directly, not play social games for when I have to say the right things at the right times, feign my attitude or interest, fabricate details and actions. Why is everything a game? Survival of the fittest, dog-eat-dog... I'm sick and at the same time frightened at the abilities I possess to play this game, quelled only by the fact that I don't want to play it. Batting eyelashes, trailing fingertips, pouting lips... what happens when I want them to mean something? Should I just give into the game, mold myself to every situation in order to win? Or do I still play the waiting game, risking the chance of breaking into irrationality and indifference?

I dislike being naive. I'm still waiting for the slap in the face, the awareness to not be so blind. I feel self-centered, but then again, who else is there to think about? The people I care about are all spectres that haunt me in even my slightest moment of idleness. Every step I take to get closer, the more transparent they seem to get. And whenever I stop, I see their eyes on TV, their lips on a pedestrian, their hair on a waitress, their voice in a poem... they just won't leave me alone. I remember thinking how cliche all those metaphors to addiction were, and now I realize how unfortunately accurate they are. There are certain people in life I scratch at the shower walls for, trying to hold the tears back. But they can go on. I tell myself every day that I have moved on, I can deal with things, I want to be mature. But I now know that the worst feeling is emptiness. I would rather deal with pain that comes along with torture and failure rather than drown in emptiness. I want to feel, and to never stop feeling.

I think I'm unreasonable. And I think I'm selfish. But how exactly do I change this? Venting is so bittersweet. I get to express yet it only makes the pain sharper. I feel like I've used I so much that it's sickening, but all I want to do is talk about me. I want my turn, when can I be unbelievablly selfish and it will be alright? Everything seems so jumbled and garbled in this post, but there is some seed of sense in it. I think I'm going to wait before I write anymore, as I barely understand what my fingertips are intrepreting my emotions into.

"again, i'm afriad of something small and insignificant. i have a habit of pretending to be strong and to not show my fear."

Home, It's Where The Heart Is!

2006-04-16T23:59:18Z

I'm comming home soon, yay! I should be back around the 27th or 28th, so mark your calandar kiddies!

School Again!

2006-03-14T22:39:05Z

Okay, is this LJ Nudge thing a new feature? I've never seen it before. I think within the past week, i got a million nudges to update x_x So fine, here we go!

Spring Break was uneventful and rather disappointing. I got some deserved time off, though, which was nice, getting away from everything hectic. But now that Spring Break is done, I'm diving into even MORE busy-ness! Right now I'm just trying to go along and play things by ear, as I'm kinda aimless right now. I still need a place to live for next year, need to get a job, have to figure if I'm staying Psychology still... just what to do x_x I'm trying to hang in there since I'm hearing some friends might be comming up to FSU, and I'm sure that would make my life so much easier.

And yeah, i've totally skipped all my classes so far LOL soooo bad, I'm very naughty. Need to shape up. I'm trying to get over my latest fling and trying to find a new one. So help out everyone! lol We all know Matt has been craving a boyfriend since, well, forever.

I will post a quiz or something soon lol Just so these nudges don't come back :P It's cause I'm busy, I swearz

LOL Who Would Have Guessed

2006-02-20T21:06:11Z

Your brain: 240% interpersonal, 40% visual, 120% verbal, and 0% mathematical!

Congratulations on being 400% smart! Actually, on my test, everyone is. The above score breaks down what kind of thinking you most enjoy doing. A score above 100% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 100% means you use it less. It says nothing about how good you are at any one, just how interested you are in each, relatively. A substantial difference in scores between two people means, conclusively, that they are different kinds of thinkers.

Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice, which I think is obvious:

Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 80%.
Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 100%.
Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 200%.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on interpersonal

You scored higher than 13% on visual

You scored higher than 78% on verbal

You scored higher than 0% on mathematical

Link: The 4-Variable IQ Test written by chriscoyne on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Now The Scary Part... I Found This First, Megs Lies

2006-02-17T08:20:24Z

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Mattipoo

DO IT!

2006-02-16T04:37:46Z

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Mattipoo

This is really neat, do it for me and post it in your's for me to do to you!

My Only Words to the Day of Evil (At Least, Evil While I am Single)

2006-02-14T06:00:15Z

Happy Valentine's Day to all those lucky to get a valentine. To those who didn't, I drink to thee.

P.S.- I'm not an alcohol now k :P

Quizzies

2006-02-11T20:44:15Z

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is low.
You've probably either had only one relationship..
Or all of your relationships have been very similar.
You still have a lot to learn... and a lot to try!

Dominance:

Your dominance is medium.
You tend to be the one with more power.
You aren't a total control freak in relationships..
But of course you don't mind getting you way!

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have high extroversion.
You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.
You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.
Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"

Conscientiousness:

You have low conscientiousness.
Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously.
Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions.
Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done.

Agreeableness:

You have high agreeableness.
You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.
Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.
You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

They Said to Take Some Risks... Right?

2006-02-10T23:25:42Z

Well, I've worked myself into an interesting situation LOL Basically, the Activists for Gay Equality (AGE) club on campus is having a fundraiser to raise money for something or another. What they are doing is rounding up some boys and auctioning them off for other guys to have dates at one of the local clubs here in Tallahassee, Club Jade. And, uh, I happen to semi-know the president of the club, and he PMed me through Facebook to ask if I would be willing to be auctioned off. At first I thought it was a crazy idea, my high school used to do it, and when I was on the newspaper staff, my friend wrote articles about how it was prostitution and the such. I never really cared about it, thought it was somewhat interesting, never thought *I* would do it. But Jeremy and Daniel, my room mates, were like "DO IT!" I was really shocked, I don't know if they thought it was an interesting idea, or just that I'm the type of person to get mixed into this kind of stuff? LOL So, I PM back saying I was interesting and to contact me back with information. As I waited for a reply, I've told various people about it, and for the most part, people were like "DO IT!" I don't know why everyone finds that I should lmfao But yeah, I didn't hear from them, so I was thinking it fell through or something. Then lo and behold, today I get an IM from the guy asking fi I'd still do it. I was a bit nervous and self-conscious about the idea, but a part of me was like "Why not?" and another part was like "It's not like you can say no to people well anyway." So I said yes, and now a ride is comming to pick me up to join around 10-15 other gay guys to battle it out for an auction. I don't think I've ever felt more self-conscious in my life, I'm worried about even getting a damn dollar in my name LOL I'm worrying about what to wear, what people will think, if a rapist would win me, stuff like that. Supposedly, I'm contracted to go on a date whenever the two of us agree to, so it's like, I dunno, a weird ass arranged dating sort of thing. See what happens when the internet fails people? I think there's a possibility that the person I like will be there... so odd if that works out. Or if his boyfriend is in the auction too lmfao Oh god, now I want to die LOL

Close Enough?

2006-02-10T21:42:26Z

You scored as Philosophy. You should be a Philosophy major! Like the Philosopher, you are contemplative and you enjoy thinking about the purpose for humanity's existence.

</td>

Philosophy

92%

Psychology

83%

Anthropology

75%

Sociology

75%

Theater

67%

Linguistics

67%

Dance

67%

Mathematics

58%

Journalism

58%

Art

50%

Biology

33%

English

25%

Engineering

25%

Chemistry

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

<33

2006-02-09T19:06:28Z

Tiger Lily
You scored 56% exotic, 62% fragile, and 49% complex!

You're skewing the results by wearing leopard-print underwear, aren't you?
Traditional flower symbolism: wealth, pride, and prosperity.
Your opposite is the...hmmm, you're right in the middle of the spectrum, you don't have an opposite. Way to go!

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 92% on exotic

You scored higher than 90% on fragile

You scored higher than 16% on complex

Link: The What Flower Are You? Test written by gnomee666 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test